late night swim, breath, heartbeat

This is something I wrote near the end of the summer. I went to a breath workshop tonight with my friend Jen, which reminded me of the moments I describe in the writing below. I told Jen to read it, and she told me I had to post this. So, here it is.

“Late” night swim.

After my last full day of work I went to get a beautiful massage. I was nervous at first not knowing who would be working on me… Afterwards, I ended up going swimming later in the night.

In the pool with the light shining on me, it was like I was gliding through outer space… each lap I would dive down, equalize my ears and hold myself still at the bottom of the pool with the pool cleaner… after a few times when I came up I realized I was not out of breath at all, the oxygen I brought down with me was just enough and even more to last me those tranquil moments underwater before coming back to the surface for air, air that I thought I would’ve needed a lot more than I did. Loving this feeling, I tried holding myself down there, free from gravity suspended in water and free from the pull of my air-filled lungs bringing me back to the surface.., just still, suspended in time and thought. Then I heard something, yes ok that is my ears trying to equalize… focus.., what is that sound? That is my heartbeat. If I was still focused enough, or maybe the opposite of focused? Open enough? Free enough? I could hear my heartbeat loud and clear. Thump swish thump swish. And when I came back to the surface it was gone. Back to the sounds of water nearby and bugs talking through the night. Back down… bubble bubble glug glug… be still, get centered, defy gravity, and…. thump thump thump thump.

After my twenty minutes of swimming was up, I got out of the pool to stretch. Forward fold, down dog (careful of my strained foot from too many down dogs), plank, chaturanga (yessss)… by your side was playing on my speaking. I started flowing a bit… stretch my sides, my upper back and heart space, navasana navasana navasana… I feel stronger… then I surrender and lie down on the not so comfy bricks still warm from the sunlight. I felt myself connecting. I was saying thank you to myself for existing. Thank you, self, for allowing me to be here, for bringing me here, for expressing me, for letting me experience this moment.

This moment on the warm bricks, hips open releasing, arms out like a cactus, my whole body feeling the warmth of the ground. Then my surroundings were no longer there. It was the warmth of the ground, me, and the huge dark blue sky with the single star I was concentrating on. Breathing breathing I felt so connected. Beautiful… so thankful for moments like this. I did this. I am doing this. I love you. I love everything I love everyone I love the universe, me…

I sat up and here is my world back again. The pool the lights the plants my house… no longer just me heat and the stars… but they are always there for me…

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